Fullmetal Stampede
by Hosaki
Summary: Ed is mad at the Taisa when he's sent on a seemingly pointless mission over his 'vacation time'. However, he's rather suprised when he ends up on...Gunsmoke? TrigunFMA


Disclaimer(this applies to the entire story): If you recognize it as something that's on TV, is in a book, or otherwise is presented daily in mass-media format, it's not mine. However, the plot line, any and all comments/insults the characters throw at each other, as well as any and all fangirl-squeals you, the reader, may give off, are property of ME! Well, maybe not the fangirl squeals...

* * *

Two golden eyes blinked sleepily as their owner yawned widely and flipped over to look at a nearby clock, which read 7:00. _Yes_, Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, thought triumphantly, _this little abused toady and his little brother are _definitely_ going to be at the library in time for opening. Two days are barely enough for us, considering how behind we are on our research._ His internal musings were interrupted by the door opening, and he flipped back over to see his little brother standing at the door. 

Ed gave Al a Look. Why wasn't he as...bouncy...as he usually was in the morning? Before he could voice his question, the suit of armor spoke.

"Nii-san," Al said, "Taisa wants you at the office as soon as possible. He says it's really urgent."

There was a fifteen-second pause, in which Ed looked like a fish, opening and closing his mouth repeatedly. Sixteen seconds after his brother's astounding announcement, something in his brain finally clicked and triggered a reaction that was less than pleasant. "WHAT DOES HE THINK HE'S DOING!" he raged. "He told me I'd get these two days off no matter what!" Further ranting was cut off by two precise knocks on the doorframe. First Lieutenant Hawkeye stared at him sternly, reminding Ed uncomfortably of Sensei.

"The Colonel has given me orders to escort you to base. He has given you twenty minutes to get ready. A potentially deadly situation has arisen on the Eastern Frontier of Lior." Her expression softened slightly. "I'd hurry if I were you; it's too early to be fried to a crisp, and I have no desire to clean scorch marks off the floor today."

* * *

Ed tied off the end of his braid, eyeing his fidgeting little brother nervously. Lieutenant Hawkeye chose that moment to appear, looking at Ed and raising an eyebrow. Ed pushed himself up, groaning slightly, and pulled on a pair of gloves. "Let's go, shall we?" 

All too soon they were standing on the other side of a desk (and desks, if you do not know, are highly flammable items) from an extremely irate Flame Alchemist.

"I told you," he said through gritted teeth, "to be here TWENTY MINUTES AGO!" Ed gulped. He was buried in a pile of you-know-what and it looked like he wasn't getting out of it this time.

"Taisa," came the life-saving words from Hawkeye, "It's my fault. There was much trouble on the roads, several accidents from the fog this morning that stopped traffic completely. I wasn't paying attention, and so I was late to collect them." That was, in fact, not true. The roads were clear, as well as the sidewalks, but obviously Taisa wasn't aware of such.

Ed was lucky that his jaw didn't hit the floor. Hawkeye was covering for them? His estimation of her rose considerably, and he exchanged a surprised look with his little brother.

Roy sat down with a sigh and began to dig though the highly-flammable mound he liked to call "paperwork," looking for a report. Unsurprisingly, Hawkeye deftly pulled out the right report and handed a copy to each of the brothers.

Ed flipped through the contents of the folder, eyebrows slowly rising as paper after paper started with the heading "WRITTEN TESTIMONY OF..." Every testimony came from the same general area—

_Oh, no_, Ed thought in despair, _Please not deserts. _Please_ not deserts._

"I need you to investigate these disappearances. Six people are confirmed missing, all within the last three days. All six travelers' paths seemed to have crossed at one point- that's where I want you to investigate. Find out what's causing these disappearances, and report back to me. Got it?" The Taisa's no-nonsense tone of voice told the two brothers that he would brook no arguments.

Ed and Al thought about it for a minute, then looked at each other. Al held up four fingers and Ed held up five. Al nodded, then Ed, and the older brother turned to the Taisa, an evil grin on his face. "Alright," he said, obviously hating the word, "But we get five days off when we get back, not including weekends."

"Fine," he said, waving a hand to dismiss them. The two alchemists let themselves out as Ed muttered, "Deserts are just _not_ my thing."

* * *

"I," Ed griped, "hate deserts. They are the most pointless expanses of small silica chuncks ever created. There's no food, and you can't transmute sand into anything worth eating." Pause. "I hate deserts. I really do. I'm hungry, I'm tired, I'm hot, my automail joints itch, and above all, I'm HUNGRY!" Ed threw himself facedown in the sand with a frustrated scream. 

Al shook his head and stopped, looking up at the sun, which was at its zenith, preparing himself to wait until his Nii-san decided to start moving again. Fifteen minutes later, he became bored with the sun and began gazing around the empty desert. He paused. "Nii-san," he said quietly, "I think we're there."

"YES!" Ed jumped up from his prone position, waving his arms so energetically it was impossible to believe he had been contemplating death by starvation but three seconds ago. "Hah! We made it! I knew we would!" He paused, thinking, and looked up at Al, shading his eyes with his right hand. "Um...Al...How do you know we're there?" His reply was a raised finger pointing off in the distance. Ed turned and looked at a bright orange flag that was sitting in the middle of nowhere.

"Maybe the locals put that there to mark where everyone disappeared," Al suggested.

"Okay, then, let's check it out," came the authoritative reply from the small alchemist that was already off and walking towards the flag.

Ed reached the flag and looked about the base, finding nothing unusual, then turned his back to the pole and looked around. So far as he could see, there was absolutely nothing there. He sighed, slowly realizing that Taisa probably sent them on a fake mission just for kicks. He imagined Roy, boots up on his desk laughing heartily along with Havoc and Breman about the 'urgent' mission Ed had been sent on.

Ed walked forward a few steps and said loudly enough for his brother behind him to hear, "There's nothing here!" He turned around to convince Al to go to the next town with him, and was surprised to see that Al was nowhere in sight. "Al...?" He looked around wildly but didn't see any metal glinting in the afternoon heat. "Waaiitt..." muttered Ed. "Afternoon?" He looked over at the sun, only to find that there were, in fact, _two_ suns. "Uh," he said, voice quivering slightly, "Maybe there _is_ something here..."

* * *

A/N: Well, revamped chapter numero uno. This one's about 60 percentlonger that the original, and I like it a LOT better. All the dialogue is exactly the same, except for the last paragraph, in which Ed says three words that don't even cross his mind in the original. As always, I hope you enjoyed it! 


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